WIP

So, I guess I should officially announce this on here. I am in the middle of writing a novel. Ok...not the middle....more like 10% into writing a novel. But, the point is, I'm writing one. I do actually have plans in the future to use some stories I've shared with you here, in conjunction with many others untold, to put out a book of funny stories. However, that is not the WIP I am currently referring to. Nope....this little baby is nothing that I ever thought I would write. But, like many wonderful books before it, this was inspired by a dream. A very weird and twisted dream which I woke up from and felt compelled to start writing about. So, keep an eye out in the future for more on this. And if you are interested in more, you can always find me on facebook at www.facebook.com/ajdwyerbooks

Bees are stupid

So, I know it's officially Fall now, but it's just been in the last two weeks that we have suddenly started having bees fly around our porch. Back in February when we first bought this place and started our renovations, we had a horrible issue with them because there was a small hive near the front door. But, thanks to some professional grade pesticide, we managed to destroy it all and haven't had any more issues.....till now.

It's been pretty decent weather, finally. If you've never been to Riverside, it's on the edge of the desert, so it is usually well over 100 degrees daily in the summer. Now that we have passed the Fall Equinox, the weather has decided to drop to the frigid 90's. Yay for Fall weather! I've been leaving the front door and the slider on the other end of the porch both open so that 1) we have air flow and 2) Jaxin can run around and play outside since the porch is fenced and gated.

Today, while outside playing (which, by "playing" I mean taking my flip flops outside and chucking them over the fence into the yard below and ripping apart my hanging Donkey Tail plant I've been trying to get going....brat), Jaxin just started crying and throwing a fit. I tried to get him to come show me what was wrong, but he just decided, I guess, that his current state of pain was everyone's fault and refused to come near me. So, I tried to grab him and he took off running across the house and dove onto my bed where I FINALLY was able to get ahold of him. Since he was mashing his hands together, I was pretty sure I would find the injury there and braced myself for some hanging skin or something gruesome. I wasn't sure how he could have gotten such an injury, but he manages to find things invisible to the naked human eye and use them to cause severe bodily harm. Have I mentioned this kid is all boy?? So far he's been treated for burns after grabbing the wrong end of my flatiron and we made a fast drive to the ER after he caused a crime scene in my bathroom....literally, blood splashed and smeared everywhere. Turned out he found a shaving razor and sliced the whole tip of his finger off. I seriously don't even know where he found it 'cause he wasn't even in the bathroom when he did it. But my guess is the garbage 'cause the sneaky little turd was born a dumpster diver. (As a side note to this, today he started pulling aluminum cans out of the trash, and Rick asked if he was planning to recycle, to which he replied "Yea Yea" 'cause that's one of the only things he knows how to say AND because clearly he was also born with a deep seeded need to help the environment and was letting daddy know.)

Annnywho, so I start inspecting his hands and finally found the culprit; A stinger with bee guts hanging off of it was stuck in the tip of Jaxin's middle finger. Yay, another finger injury! I pulled it out and the waterworks stopped. Oh, and also, this is his first sting, so I don't know if he's allergic. Luckily, a few weeks ago during a follow up at the doctor (post the burned fingers incident), we were prescribed some baby Benadryl because I had noticed he seemed to have a reaction to grass when he played in it....and by "reaction" I mean his legs looked like they had been covered by slashes and welts. Poor kid. So, I gave him some of that just incase and made a little baking soda paste and put it on his finger ('cause I'm friggin Google and have been stung a million times...well, okay, like maybe 5 times....and I know it makes stings feel better) and of course he promptly wiped it right off all over Rick's shirt because, damn it, he's a MAN and he doesn't need no stinking pain relief!

So, I tell you this story so that I can show you my homemade bee trap I made today. I used to make these whenever I went camping because they work AWESOME and you don't need to waste money on those stupid store bought ones 'cause these work better and you can make them with shit you have around your house (most likely).

STEP 1 is to find you a 2 liter bottle.

STEP 2 is to cut the bottle in half...not exactly in half, but maybe somewhere between half and 2/3 of the way up.

STEP 3 is poke holes near the top on each side of the lower piece of the bottle (I used a nail to puncture holes, but a knife will also work) and run some kind of string or ribbon thru them. Tie the ribbon on each side. NOTE:You can skip this step if you just want to sit the trap out on a table or something instead of hanging it.

STEP 4 is to place the top part of the bottle upside down into the lower part of the bottle, so that it creates a funnel.

STEP 5a you need to tape around the seam to hold the two pieces of the bottle together securely. NORMALLY, I would use duct tape here, but when I asked Rick for some duct tape, he couldn't find it and brought me these giant band aids instead! Like this couldn't possibly get more ghetto.

STEP 5b but the band aids still worked. I suppose it's all fitting since I did perform some pretty major reconstructive surgery on this bottle.

STEP 6.... seduce those bastards and get them drunk! Bees are attracted to sweet shit and I have found thru experience that they are also raging alcoholics because these traps ALWAYS work best when I mix up a spritzer. Combine a little wine ('cause everyone has to have a little around their house somewhere)and some pop (use regular sugar pop and not diet if possibly because it's even more irresistible!!). If you don't have these things, juice works great, just pop, or even some other sweet alcohol like wine coolers (hahaha). Fill it up till there's a small gap between the liquid and the mouth of the bottle (the bottom of the funnel). Today, I used a little of a Cab I have on my counter for cooking, plus some sweeter white wine I had in my fridge and I topped it off with some Shasta Tiki Punch! These bees are gonna friggin love me! Well, that is, of course, until they die. And it won't even be my fault. (PS, damn, I need to clean on top of my fridge!)

Bees are stupid! They fly around and sniff out the sweet sweet smell of a good time and then they see this awesome beacon of fun calling to them out in the sun.....

...and then they are all "Dude! FREE BOOZE!!" and then they fly down the entrance to CLUB DEATH (the funnel you created) and dive in. Then they get wasted and it's getting dark and they start thinking about calling a cab home, but they can't seem to find their cell phone, 'cause it's so crowded in this pool (dude, is that drone dead??? Nahhhh ish my imaginashhhin). So they start thinking "Dude....ishh not thaaa farr to the hiive. I can TOOOOOOOOOTALLY make ishh wishhhout getting pulled over *hiccup*"

And that's when the bastard tries to take flight and realizes that this is a party that there is no going home from....and yes, that drone WAS in fact dead....and in fact, he's been drinking a cocktail full of his friends. Ewwwwwww what a way to die! TRAGIC! But at least you won't get stung!

Frenchie

How is it that my son is learning to speak English in a French accent?? For real, all he needs is a little beret and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth while he sips espresso in an outdoor cafe, and as the ladies walk by, he says "Ehhh bey-BEEEE" cause that's what his "hey baby" sounds like. You sir shall now be called Frenchie..... Or possibly, Pepe Le Puex.

Why Ricardo was banned from the master bath (or, why I take my cell phone EVERYWHERE!)

In my house, we have two bathrooms. For whatever reason, I'm the main person that uses the master bath, which means I know when things like toilet paper need to be replenished in there, and do so. Rick, on the other hand, thinks the acceptable bathroom etiquette is to use the last bit of toilet paper, leaving the empty roll on the counter, and make you yell for a new roll once you're stuck on the toilet.... Because you never notice the problem till its too late. So this afternoon, I go into MY bathroom (followed by my son who cant EVER let me pee alone for fear I fall in or something) to use the facilities and find NO FRIGGING TOILET PAPER! Motherf-----! I already knew Rick had been in there cause the bathroom door was open and he has YET to get the concept that closing doors keeps the baby out of the damn toilet! Ok, so I look right at my son and say "I'm going to murder your father" to which he replies "yay baby!" and then climbs into the bathtub to eat his cookie and watch the drama unfold. So I start yelling for Rick and the baby is more than happy to join in by screaming "Daaaaaaaa" at the top of his lungs, followed by a bite of cookie and an "Mmmmmmmmm". So this goes on, because if I haven't mentioned before, Rick is deaf. Not like sign language deaf but like he has holes in his ear drums and could probably benefit from hearing aids 'cause his deafness pisses me the F off deaf.

"Riiiiiiiick!!!!!"

"Daaaaaaaa" chomp on cookie.... "Mmmmmmm"

Oh and the "mmmmmmm" goes up and down in pitch. Like remember the scene in "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" when Turbo and Ozone go to Kelly's parent's house for dinner and Turbo tries the soup and Kelly's dad asks him what he thinks of it..... And Turbo, with a mouth full, starts trying to express how great it is with a series of crazy noises??? Well, if you don't, then you're lame cause that's one of the greatest cinematic accomplishments of the mid 80's!!! Anyway.....I finally had to give up on screaming and call Rick to bring me some damn toilet paper and when he showed up with a roll, I promptly banned him from ever using the master bath again.

Spirituality

Today, I actually wanna touch on something serious. I turned on my tv and for some reason it was on OWN (I'm pretty sure Rick had been watching Welcome to Sweetie Pie'slol). Anyways, I've never really been one of those Oprah worshipers so I really don't watch much on her network. But today was a rerun on Super Soul Sunday of her interview with Rev. Ed Bacon. I have to say.... This man gets it and what it's all about. The things coming out of his mouth are EXACTLY what I've tried to convey to the uber-RELIGIOUS fanatics that surround me. I always hear from people "my bible says..."..... But I ask, does "your bible" say these things to you because it's what you were told in church it says OR did you really study that meaning on your own and know its meaning fir yourself? For me, I am not a person that puts my "faith" in scripture.....I am not a person that takes comfort in the words to get me thru. That's not to say it can't or shouldn't comfort others. I take comfort in KNOWING that there is a higher power that I can turn to for answers, for unconditional love, and for light. One of the things I've been hearing lately A LOT is "my bible says....God says 'I am the way and the way to me is thru my son' which means if you don't accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, then you can't go to heaven." To me, as a person who was raised Catholic (and doesn't follow that religious belief system) this is the most asinine statement because I was taught that God loves all his children..... And if God created the heavens, the Earth, beasts, plants, Man.......then why would he give us free will and then force us to believe one thing to be welcomed into heaven?? The response I usually get (a typical church influenced response) is that God did not lead these other religious beliefs to be created....the deceiver did, meaning Satan. WOW! So here I am, watching REVEREND Ed Bacon say that Satan is not just this outside being..... Evil lives within every person, and that "evil" is EGO!! Ego is what keeps a person believing that their way...their churches way....is the ONLY way. And when you think that way, that is actually allowing deceit and evil into your life because you are making someone else feel excluded or ashamed for their beliefs and/or just being who they are. Instead, we need to all respect each others feelings, beliefs and/or knowings. Otherwise, our Ego's are feeding Evil which leads to hatred and violence. This is how we follow Grace. You can take the advice of those around you, but YOU are the ultimate decider of how to move forward in a situation. Your inner voice is there to guide you and you should listen to it. And why? Because that is the "Devine" speaking!! That is your answer from God. So for those that believe Jesus is the only way to God, remember that what Jesus himself said; "The Kingdom of Heaven is within you." So if your belief system is that Jesus is the way, his teaching is that you need to look inside yourself for God... For the Devine. You don't need religion for this, but you can meld your religion and your spirituality. That means taking what you are taught and then figuring out what feels right to you. It means being a good person. It means taking time to live, time to breath, time to love, time to forgive. I'm reminded of a story an old friend shared with me recently.... He was sitting with a group of spiritual leaders and advisors and at one point, someone said to him, "well surely you believe in God." To wit he replied, "well, no, honestly I don't." Of course, being the room full of people it was, everyone was horrified. "How can you say you don't believe in God," he was asked. And his reply was "Believing is for people that don't already Know. I don't Believe in an idea of God.... I KNOW God exists." No one had a rebuttal to this, because what can you say except that he was and is correct. So figure out for yourself what you KNOW is your truth instead of following a Belief. And that is my serious message for the day. :)

Evil Genius and The Brain

I believe that people are just born with the ability to instinctively know how to push the right buttons, in more ways than one. My husband, of course, knows how to get on my last nerve. And my son.....well, his button pushing, although often nerve racking, is usually more physical. I believe he was born an evil genius. He has the innate ability to always know the right button to push on any electrical device to cause maximum chaos. Even now as I type one handed, I'm doing my best to counter attack his stealthy ninja keyboard moves.

Daddy, you're about to finally beat level 25 on Candy Crush? Let me help you waste a move!

What's that mom? You're waiting to see if Eric Northman is going to survive the season finale of True Blood. I'd rather you not know! CLICK...Oops, the TV lost power. How'd that happen? (Stop to pose) Don't I look cute?

I don't care if you're on an important call Dad....I will be heard! (followed by loud babbling and usually the stealthy pushing of END CALL)

Each of these is usually followed by threats, and then usually laughter because he thinks it's all hysterical.....and then he gives you the "I'm so cute" face and you can't help but laugh even though you're livid and everyone says "Don't laugh, it will only make it worse" which it, in fact, does! And nothing works to foil this evil genius' plans!

NOTHHHHHHHIIIIIIINNNNG!!!!

Now, if Jaxin is the evil genius of the family, I guess that makes my husband The Brain (I'm clearly dripping in sarcasm here). His brain definitely works in a unique way. He's one of those people who's thoughts don't always translate well into the English language....or probably any language, for that matter. I love him, but God help him. Some of the crap he comes up with and says.....I just don't get it. Let's take this outfit, for example:

This little doosy was something he dreamt up one day when I asked him to go under the house to inspect some work that had been done. It's like a bad Cee-Lo Green superhero outfit! A few days ago, we're checking out movies On Demand and this conversation happened.

Rick: What's Virgin Tales about?

Me: A family that believes in the value of Purity Balls

Rick: Purity balls? Is that those things girls put in their...?(He points to his crotch)

Me: Eww, noooo. That's Ben Wa Balls!!

Conversations like this happen pretty much daily. If you've ever read any of my other posts, you know. But, he is a good daddy. Like, he was ok the time Evil Genius decided to help The Brain pick his nose.

And he was good the first time Evil Genius got in a pool

And these boys have always had nap time in common!

I love my little button pushers. The two of them make me crack up every day. They both drive me nuts at times but they keep it interesting, especially when they push each others buttons. Let me leave you with a final few photos of these two in action.

HAHAHAHA Ok and this one cracks me up because this is a "Hey, look at the camera" moment and they're both pushing each other's buttons. It looks like The Brain has Evil Genius in a choke hold. Fear not, that's not the case.

I'm a bad, bad blogger

How the hell do I let myself go so long without blogging?? Bless me father, for I have sinned..... It has been 3 years since my last blog confession! Well, I suppose this can only mean one thing, and that is catch up time. So, lets try a brief synopsis of the last 3 years. From where I left off.... I was about to do vacation. Nothing significant I can recall that needs sharing, but it was fun. Lol I was working at the Cosmetology school.... That was true up until last June when the school closed. I was one year into marriage....now it's 4 years. :) People were bugging us about when we were gonna have a baby.... Well, let me tell you a story about that. So, it's Mother's Day, 2011. I did my usual calls and texts to all the moms in my life. And to wit, I revive SEVERAL responses saying "when do we get to say Happy Mothers Day to you??" I, of course, replied "stop trying to jinx me." Lol I really think at that point, I was pretty much ready to be a selfish non-parent. Within a few days, Rick and I talked and we both kind of agreed....Maybe we just shouldn't have kids. I mean, we were both 30 something's now and didn't like the idea of what we would have to give up to be real parents. So, we settled it, in the kitchen of our condo.... No babies. Over the next few days, weird things happened. First I went to the dentist for a filling and the dentist couldn't numb me. Very odd. Then, the next day I went tanning and literally got so sick in the tanning bed, I had to get out after a few minutes before I puked everywhere. Then I'm at work late one night and one of my students tells me she's worried she may be pregnant. So, I went to my desk and got out a pregnancy test. I know... Weird thing to have. But I have for YEARS no bought pregnancy tests in bulk online. It's the kind they use in the doctors office and they're only like $0.20 a piece. I started keeping some at the school several months earlier when a co worker's complaints turned out to be big pregnancy flags that she was missing. That was a fun day by the way.... She freaked out and said "this wasn't how I pictured finding this out." My response was "What did you expect, balloons and a parade?" Lol ah...but I digress. So, I give my student a test and I'm talking to the other girls about the weird stuff that's happened.... And then it hits me.... I'm really late. They convinced me to take a test too, and wouldn't you know, the test is positive. I kinda freaked. I thought, there's no way in hell I'm pregnant. We just agreed, no babies! And then I remembered I was on HCG still. So, even though I've read many times it does not give a false positive, I convinced myself it was just that. I called a women's clinic to take a blood test and they confirmed I was pregnant and it was in no way a side effect from taking HCG. But I still didn't believe them. I think I finally believed when I had my first ultrasound. But it was so bizarre. I was so resounded to the fact that I wasn't gonna have a baby that I don't think I ever really got into my pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't against it.... It was just hard to wrap my head around. Lol I was for sure not a person to enjoy pregnancy. People told me I would miss it and they were dead wrong. Lol Although our little man started out with some complications in the beginning, today he is a happy little toddler.... And so my final update is that in the last 3 years, I have become a mom and we are now living in Southern California. And I am determined to get back to writing so that I can keep laughing at life. JAXIN CAIDEN SMITH 1/24/12